Rather than enjoying the public lands Ryan Zinke wants to take away from you, some of you hearty souls will probably sit through the Congressman’s RNC speech on Monday night, when I believe he is scheduled to speak after one of Donald Trump’s children from one of his marriages or before the winner of Season 8 of The Apprentice.
If you can sit through an entire speech by Ryan Zinke, you’re a better person than I am, but this blog isn’t going to leave you bereft of hope. We’ve generated a couple of games to help pass the time while the Congressman talks about himself.
Zinke Speech Bingo
First up, we have a game for the whole family to enjoy. Given that every public appearance from Congressman Zinke has featured a series of stock phrases so stilted that his communications director mutters them in her sleep, Zinke Speech Bingo! Should be easy for anyone to win. Just print off a set of cards for the whole family to enjoy as they struggle to stay awake during his remarks.
Zinke Speech Drinking Game
For those of you a bit older and possessed of livers of steel, we offer a Zinke RNC speech drinking game.
- Every time Congressman Zinke says a synonym for patriot, take one pull from a beer. If it’s an obvious humble brag about himself, take two.
- For every mention of Ronald Reagan, take a sip from a California white wine to celebrate where both men lived when they ran for national office.
- Every time Zinke says the word “hero” take a drink. Every time his communication staff tweets it during his speech (@hswift), take two.
- Every time Congressman Zinke mentions Teddy Roosevelt, slap the man next to you to reassert your fragile masculinity and drink a shot of whiskey from a bear skull. Or bison, if you don’t have the bear. Sissy.
- When the Congressman mentions public lands, mix your favorite cocktail and sell it off to the highest bidder.
- When Congressman Zinke reveals the greatest political secret of our time, that he was a Navy SEAL, get down on the ground and get your sweat on by joining the Congressman in doing push-ups. If you are a true Montanan, you will do them with one hand while you pound a PBR with the other.
- If commander Zinke mentions his time in SEAL Team Six, remember the time he fondly talked about water boarding by water boarding your neighbor to the right with the alcohol of her/his choice.
- When he mentions the killing of Osama bin Laden, watch your friends drink dangerous amounts of alcohol and then take credit for it.
- If the congressman mentions the colors of our beautiful flag take a sip of red wine, down some white rum, and finish it off with a shot of UV blue. Then scream at the nearest person “USA, USA USA.”
- If Zinke employs trumps signature catchphrase “make America great again” finish your drink, kick anyone out of your home who: doesn’t look like you, doesn’t believe the same things you believe, has a funny sounding name, or you determine just isn’t AMERICAN enough for you.
- If Zinke mentions “building that wall” you yell back at the TV “AND MEXICO IS GOING TO PAY FOR IT.” Then throw a Corona the nearest wall before slamming down an America-branded Budweiser.
- Every time he mentions President Obama, take a tall, cool drink of water and thank whomever you pray to that his leadership has been a check on the Republican madness Zinke represents.
Note: The Zinke drinking game is clearly meant as satire. There is no way a human being could play this game safely without needing a liver transplant before its conclusion.