Conrad Burns To Solve Iraq Stalemate


Senator Conrad Burns announced today that, after having effectively dealt with the wildfires in the West, he intended to to go Iraq this weekend, find the massive WMDs there, kill every terrorist, and rule over a stable democratic government, all before heading to a lobbyist funded dinner in Washington, D.C.

Asked how he could accomplish a task that the U.S military and diplomatic corps have failed to achieve, Montana’s knee walking Senator claimed that U.S. military units in Iraq have just been "sitting around on the job," rather than acting. Burns pointed to a wounded solider on his way to a poorly funded, inadequately staffed Army hospital and offered this criticism: "See that guy over there? He hasn’t done a God-damned thing. They sit around. You probably paid that guy $10,000 to sit around."

While some have questioned the likelihood of the Burns’ mission succeeding, the Senator feels certain that he can do a better job "That’s why I haven’t been supporting adequate body armor or vehicle for the troops," Burns said. " They haven’t been doing a God damned thing."

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