Conrad Burns To Solve Iraq Stalemate

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Senator Conrad Burns announced today that, after having effectively dealt with the wildfires in the West, he intended to to go Iraq this weekend, find the massive WMDs there, kill every terrorist, and rule over a stable democratic government, all before heading to a lobbyist funded dinner in Washington, D.C.

Asked how he could accomplish a task that the U.S military and diplomatic corps have failed to achieve, Montana’s knee walking Senator claimed that U.S. military units in Iraq have just been "sitting around on the job," rather than acting. Burns pointed to a wounded solider on his way to a poorly funded, inadequately staffed Army hospital and offered this criticism: "See that guy over there? He hasn’t done a God-damned thing. They sit around. You probably paid that guy $10,000 to sit around."

While some have questioned the likelihood of the Burns’ mission succeeding, the Senator feels certain that he can do a better job "That’s why I haven’t been supporting adequate body armor or vehicle for the troops," Burns said. " They haven’t been doing a God damned thing."

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About the author

Don Pogreba

Don Pogreba is an eighteen-year teacher of English, former debate coach, and loyal, if often sad, fan of the San Diego Padres and Portland Timbers. He spends far too many hours of his life working at school and on his small business, Big Sky Debate.

His work has appeared in Politico and Rewire.

In the past few years, travel has become a priority, whether it's a road trip to some little town in Montana or a museum of culture in Ísafjörður, Iceland.

2 Comments

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  • I can’t tell if this post is a joke or not. Can someone enlighten me on the story behind it…

  • An attempt at a joke, anyway. 🙂

    It was my deft attempt to satirize Burns’ critcism of the firefighters in Billings. See above stories.

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